It’s said…we wait for big things to happen in our lives. And for a dreamer like me, perhaps the biggest thing is over…ie, my life. As I lay unconscious on my deathbed and my near and dear ones cry around me…with my closed eyes, I listen to the silence of my beloved. My man…He is next to me and is silently crying. For all those forty years, I had embraced him tightly, whenever I noticed tears in his eyes. But today, he perhaps, has to do it alone. My heart beats slowly and he cannot rest his head on my lap and look into my eyes. They are shut and he stands lonely, accepting what fate did to his old princess.
And suddenly my thoughts wander…wander to my past. I see a face…a tall boy, wearing purple attire…I cannot see him clearly…there is some obstruction. I see him holding a guitar; I see pictures of “Vaishno Devi.”…I then…suddenly see …myself…
I am eighteen…still in school, young and bubbly. I am not beautiful but alone. I am writing my diary, looking at the stars…listening to my favourite music(When You say nothing at all)…its perhaps 18th December. The restless me, over with the ritual of diary writing, switch on my computer (a very old model). None of my friends are online…so I shift to chatting, chatting with unknown people.
And there I met him. We became close friends…we chatted…for five minutes which turned to hours. We talked philosophy. Things, which don't exist anymore. We had the same needs, desires and thoughts…Ours was more than friendship…Perhaps, our embryonic relationship made it feel like love. It did not need a name, as we knew we had no future. But we were there, smiling and awaiting each other.
Just as young children explore the unknown, we explored each other, right from thoughts, feelings, past and history. I lived alone and desperately needed a best friend. He had everyone but still needed a best friend. We cried for listening each other, but I never made a move. We had our own failures…our own sorrows. I was not a writer, which I craved to be…he was not the success, he wanted to be. We had our families…and cared every one. But there was a absence in both of us. Perhaps, that’s why we called each other our soul mates.
We promised to meet each other after four years…It seemed so long then. We hardly knew what life would bring in then. But we assured each other, just one thing. The thing called love… We promised that even if, we don't meet, and we will still be there with each other and love each other, in our small ways. If life doesn't confer him in my life, I will find someone who is just like him. He too, promised the same.
Relations are too fragile. For the first time, when I called him after six months, he still waited for me. He played the same song (When you say nothing at all) on his guitar. I was crying but did not make it evident. The next chat had already made him practise my silence. Yes! We lived the best words unspoken. It was a ritual...the silent ritual.
If something bad happens to you, just say to yourself that it happened because you had the guts to face it. Our life had changed and perhaps had become complete. We still had not seen each other but perhaps loved each other. One day, without listening to the silence of each other, was a turmoil.
He wanted to be successful as he wanted to face his father. In spite of being one among the best, deep down, he was not in the league. Reservations had left an indelible mark on him. Even if, he was got selected into the best institute of India, he was considered outcast. I understood his pain and he understood mine. Mine were too frivolous but deep. Pain of ignorance, negligence and not being a writer.
He had to head for his home. He asked for my pic and I tested him. Things changed. His dream girl was not me! My relationship had already ended for me. Because, you don't love someone because she is beautiful. She is beautiful, so you love her. He made his distance, searching for another face. I stayed there…waiting for his returning grace. But then, he left me, saying he had asked Vasihno devi to give me courage. Everything would one day fall into its place.
For me, things had shattered…and their places had been erased. Years went by and I waited for the big thing in my life, ie, his return. His reasons were unknown and so was he. After years, when I thought about him, he seemed like a fiction story. I questioned myself whether it was my life, he was once a part of? Well, he was, perhaps…at times, the pain of loosing him was so strong that I couldn’t breathe. The next moment, my brain hardly remembered him. He was lost…we had never met…he was never again there!!! The happiness he bought in my life, got erased with the agony he conferred.
After eight years of waiting, I suddenly saw him again. Over the years, the writer in me had already reached the recognition I craved for. It seems funny, but life plays its own tricks. I was asked to write a personality profile on him. A GMAT cleared prodigy…A guy who belonged to minorities and had secured the first rank. This time, without reservations!
I faced it up and wrote about him. A writing piece which got published in the national dailies and magazines. Not to forget, his wife and his new born daughter, did have their revelations. Perhaps, the boy I loved once and perhaps still did, was hardly anymore. Life had been asking me to move on but I waited for things to get in place.
My parents married me! The decision which I hardly considered deserved my interference. My husband! When he looked at me, his eyes were shy, deep and caring. He embraced me whenever I revealed my life. He listened to this renowned writer. He was there for me. He asked me to never leave me. But I always thought about that teenage boy and still awaited the big thing to happen. Somewhere, somehow! He did not play guitar…never talked on philosophy. But remained there with me. He was a child at heart! Someone, who had also suffered a loss of deep love in life. He knew my past and I knew him. Our paths had crossed but the big thing, never did.
We had a baby daughter…and my husband called him his princess. I had now turned an old princess. My family was complete, but there was something still missing. I was happy, but I still waited. I knew, women would have been envious of my life….but I knew, I was incomplete. We say, our soul is just one. Mine was lost ten years back…
Life moved on. My husband, when not at his field (as he was in army), was always there with me. Before every war that he went for, my family cried. My daughter kept clinging to his legs, never allowed him to bid an adieu without tears.
I never allowed my daughter to be alone. She never had to look for a best friend. She had me. She never had rejections, ignorance and heart breaks. She had me. She grew and became my strength, both when my husband was there and wasnot.
Years flew by! I grew too. The biggest thing had never happened. Time moved on! My pieces had fallen to different places. I too, moved on! And there, I lie…on my death bed, after forty years of marriage…
Perhaps I was about to die…When my husband came next to me. He looked at me. I could not. I could feel his breath on my face. He said “My dear old princess…I never said you how much I loved you. Not even when I left for my battle field, feeling that I won’t return again. When I had touched you for the first time, I felt I did not deserve you. You were so soft…just like a doll. When we had our baby, I still did not look in your eyes and say that I love you…Today, as you are moving away from me….in still cannot say anything to you….The biggest things in life are left unspoken…”
With this, he took my hands…made them touch his heart and then he tenderly touched mine. It was all a silent ritual…He told me how much he did love me. My entire life raced in my life…just like a recap…
The biggest thing had happened. My soul was just next to me and I searched him in a dream for years….My biggest thing was he, who stood, silently crying for me….
I slowly opened my eyes….as I couldn’t take away the biggest thing of my husband, which he was awaiting anxiously.
And suddenly my thoughts wander…wander to my past. I see a face…a tall boy, wearing purple attire…I cannot see him clearly…there is some obstruction. I see him holding a guitar; I see pictures of “Vaishno Devi.”…I then…suddenly see …myself…
I am eighteen…still in school, young and bubbly. I am not beautiful but alone. I am writing my diary, looking at the stars…listening to my favourite music(When You say nothing at all)…its perhaps 18th December. The restless me, over with the ritual of diary writing, switch on my computer (a very old model). None of my friends are online…so I shift to chatting, chatting with unknown people.
And there I met him. We became close friends…we chatted…for five minutes which turned to hours. We talked philosophy. Things, which don't exist anymore. We had the same needs, desires and thoughts…Ours was more than friendship…Perhaps, our embryonic relationship made it feel like love. It did not need a name, as we knew we had no future. But we were there, smiling and awaiting each other.
Just as young children explore the unknown, we explored each other, right from thoughts, feelings, past and history. I lived alone and desperately needed a best friend. He had everyone but still needed a best friend. We cried for listening each other, but I never made a move. We had our own failures…our own sorrows. I was not a writer, which I craved to be…he was not the success, he wanted to be. We had our families…and cared every one. But there was a absence in both of us. Perhaps, that’s why we called each other our soul mates.
We promised to meet each other after four years…It seemed so long then. We hardly knew what life would bring in then. But we assured each other, just one thing. The thing called love… We promised that even if, we don't meet, and we will still be there with each other and love each other, in our small ways. If life doesn't confer him in my life, I will find someone who is just like him. He too, promised the same.
Relations are too fragile. For the first time, when I called him after six months, he still waited for me. He played the same song (When you say nothing at all) on his guitar. I was crying but did not make it evident. The next chat had already made him practise my silence. Yes! We lived the best words unspoken. It was a ritual...the silent ritual.
If something bad happens to you, just say to yourself that it happened because you had the guts to face it. Our life had changed and perhaps had become complete. We still had not seen each other but perhaps loved each other. One day, without listening to the silence of each other, was a turmoil.
He wanted to be successful as he wanted to face his father. In spite of being one among the best, deep down, he was not in the league. Reservations had left an indelible mark on him. Even if, he was got selected into the best institute of India, he was considered outcast. I understood his pain and he understood mine. Mine were too frivolous but deep. Pain of ignorance, negligence and not being a writer.
He had to head for his home. He asked for my pic and I tested him. Things changed. His dream girl was not me! My relationship had already ended for me. Because, you don't love someone because she is beautiful. She is beautiful, so you love her. He made his distance, searching for another face. I stayed there…waiting for his returning grace. But then, he left me, saying he had asked Vasihno devi to give me courage. Everything would one day fall into its place.
For me, things had shattered…and their places had been erased. Years went by and I waited for the big thing in my life, ie, his return. His reasons were unknown and so was he. After years, when I thought about him, he seemed like a fiction story. I questioned myself whether it was my life, he was once a part of? Well, he was, perhaps…at times, the pain of loosing him was so strong that I couldn’t breathe. The next moment, my brain hardly remembered him. He was lost…we had never met…he was never again there!!! The happiness he bought in my life, got erased with the agony he conferred.
After eight years of waiting, I suddenly saw him again. Over the years, the writer in me had already reached the recognition I craved for. It seems funny, but life plays its own tricks. I was asked to write a personality profile on him. A GMAT cleared prodigy…A guy who belonged to minorities and had secured the first rank. This time, without reservations!
I faced it up and wrote about him. A writing piece which got published in the national dailies and magazines. Not to forget, his wife and his new born daughter, did have their revelations. Perhaps, the boy I loved once and perhaps still did, was hardly anymore. Life had been asking me to move on but I waited for things to get in place.
My parents married me! The decision which I hardly considered deserved my interference. My husband! When he looked at me, his eyes were shy, deep and caring. He embraced me whenever I revealed my life. He listened to this renowned writer. He was there for me. He asked me to never leave me. But I always thought about that teenage boy and still awaited the big thing to happen. Somewhere, somehow! He did not play guitar…never talked on philosophy. But remained there with me. He was a child at heart! Someone, who had also suffered a loss of deep love in life. He knew my past and I knew him. Our paths had crossed but the big thing, never did.
We had a baby daughter…and my husband called him his princess. I had now turned an old princess. My family was complete, but there was something still missing. I was happy, but I still waited. I knew, women would have been envious of my life….but I knew, I was incomplete. We say, our soul is just one. Mine was lost ten years back…
Life moved on. My husband, when not at his field (as he was in army), was always there with me. Before every war that he went for, my family cried. My daughter kept clinging to his legs, never allowed him to bid an adieu without tears.
I never allowed my daughter to be alone. She never had to look for a best friend. She had me. She never had rejections, ignorance and heart breaks. She had me. She grew and became my strength, both when my husband was there and wasnot.
Years flew by! I grew too. The biggest thing had never happened. Time moved on! My pieces had fallen to different places. I too, moved on! And there, I lie…on my death bed, after forty years of marriage…
Perhaps I was about to die…When my husband came next to me. He looked at me. I could not. I could feel his breath on my face. He said “My dear old princess…I never said you how much I loved you. Not even when I left for my battle field, feeling that I won’t return again. When I had touched you for the first time, I felt I did not deserve you. You were so soft…just like a doll. When we had our baby, I still did not look in your eyes and say that I love you…Today, as you are moving away from me….in still cannot say anything to you….The biggest things in life are left unspoken…”
With this, he took my hands…made them touch his heart and then he tenderly touched mine. It was all a silent ritual…He told me how much he did love me. My entire life raced in my life…just like a recap…
The biggest thing had happened. My soul was just next to me and I searched him in a dream for years….My biggest thing was he, who stood, silently crying for me….
I slowly opened my eyes….as I couldn’t take away the biggest thing of my husband, which he was awaiting anxiously.
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